Day 15 - Really? It's been that long?? -_-

I honestly am not sure what to write.
=/
School is almost over this term, I just have one more class tomorrow.
I don't actually go to the classs c: I just have to submit a final paper online.

Well.. Wish me luck :D

Day 9 - 2:22AM Ready?

Alright.
I have analyzed myself very carefully during this whole process.

I'm going on my third day (72 hours) of no sleep.

I am out of vyvanse though.

So what have I learned?
I feel a lot better physically when I'm using. --after 3 days? well that's not really good but it's besides the point.

I think I have bronchitis or some other illness with lots of congestion in my chest and it won't come out when I try to cough it up.
Vyvanse has really helped me get through that. I'm not fully healed, but I believe I got through the worst of it.
I work harder.
I'm much more social.
I'm happy.
I'm content.

And so the only real thing left to be determined is what happens now?

I've gone without vyvanse before and it was NEVER as bad as when I started this blog.
I feel I almost concentrated so much on this blog (in order to distract myself/keep progress) that I actually ended up focusing on nothing but my lack of meds.

I will have to do more research on what to do in order to keep going.
Yes, I'll be tired of course. But the forums just about everywhere online state a few days of sleep and I should be fine. This makes me feel very certain I psyched myself out from Day 1.

Perhaps I should watch some Chris Angel videos. He's all about mind over body.

I got this.

Of course... I'm so positive about it all because I've consumed around 600mg of vyvanse in the past 3 days and still feeling the high.

DANGEROUS?
I may sound like a fool, HOWEVER my body is accustomed to it. Taking 200mg of vyvanse a day for a long time? That will surely impact you.
Taking large amounts (within reason) every now and then? I'm sure it's still unhealthy but it's not fatal, at least for me. I'm used to it.

When I was first prescribed vyvanse I used to get a lot of social anxiety because I loved to be social while on it. Then I would start feeling anxious.
'I hope they don't think I'm weird.'
'What if I'm not making any sense at all?'
Only a few thoughts I've had during those unfortunate times.

My point is that I've never felt like I've taken so many stimulants I would die, have a heart attack, etc.

I completely agree, I sound like an arrogant, stupid kid, idiot.
I'm not immortal.

This is just me looking at the facts. I guarantee you there is an amount that could kill anyone, that's obvious. I'm just not anywhere near that level due to my body's terrible, yet I suppose good?, ability to get such a high tolerance so quickly.

Anyways,
I have a bedroom to clean. It's dirty and I'd really REALLY love to accomplish something productive right now. c;

Goodnight everyone,
Perhaps I'll see you in dreamland tomorrow night?

Day 8 - Day 8 of What?

I guess I'm going to just keep counting up the days.
This is Day 8 of me keeping this blog.

Well I feel amazing.
But for bad reasons.
But they're good.
Yes -> High on Vyvanse
But -> Getting Homework Done
I Know -> I Shouldn't Need It
But -> At This Very Moment -> Today -> I Do.

Everyone can be dissapointed at me, be mad, sad, etc.
I'm sorry.
It's not that bad except that I slipped up.
But it's frickin' week-before/finals week.

I'm stressed, I've got shit to do.
AND--
I feel like I've always known this but I had forgotten at the same time--
I actually do have ADHD.

Yes I can see that I will crash from this in a few days and 'possibly' be right back to day 1.
But I'm legit weighing the pros/cons.
I'd say getting good grades at School is much more important.

Anyways, I love you guys,
-Prysm

Day 6 - WOW

Im feeling fantastic. I suppose I messed up but wow :D
Syd told me when we made the rules getting high was okay some times just because she gets high on other things too. So she's not gonna be a hypocrite. I don't know if it really applies but I suppose as long as I don't do it always then I'm alright. Like don't become dependent. Idk haha so 50 mg of vyvanse
And 20 (or 25 idk) mg of adderal xr.
Work is perfect. My life is perfect. Yay.

Day 5 - What the Fuck

So last night I didn't make it to Katie's house. I was far too tired. Then on my way home from work I threw up all over myself. Completely disgusting. It was so gross, oh my gosh..
I couldn't reach Syd last night. I ended up crying to Linny all night until I fell asleep. Where is Syd? I still haven't been able to reach her.. I'm so mentally unstable.. I hope I start feeling better soon.. This is getting crazy.. I love you Syd.. I hope you can call me soon.

Day 4 - Good Morning - 9:40AM

I practically died yesterday.
50mg of Vyvanse was given to me but it did not affect me much at all.
Not that I am ungrateful. Every time I only take 50mg, my body will realize that is the tolerance it should get.
Anyways, Syd came over and rubbed my tummy and said cute shit to me while I shook from how cold I was. I did have a fever, I feel like it really was the flu but who knows. I won't have to call in sick to work like I was worried about last night also. Today = Payday too.
ugh I'm still yawning but ohwell... Maybe it's okay to get high on caffeine when you work at Dunkin Donuts :P

Day 3 - Break the Rules? Please? (11:12 am)

I'm suffering from an upset stomach now.
I highly doubt this is due to my current lack of vyvanse.. but it isn't helping.
I feel so sick and it seems like I have low blood sugar.
I've noticed I have about a 3 hour window of awakeness before I have to sleep.
I WILL DIE AT WORK TOMORROW.
Oh God, I pray that I can get a pill from Syd.
It feels like I'm tormenting myself whenever I'm awake.
I have to go to sleep now, I cannot stay awake any longer.
7-11 is the most I can do..
Please let me break the rules.. I just want to go back to how I was.. at least I could do things before. Now I just fall asleep and hate my existence.

This song I herd on my iPod on the car ride home gave me some comfort though.
It's a demo from Nightwish's single "Amaranth". Before they had their (now ex) singer, Marco sings this.
Here's the lyrics.

Baptized with a perfect nameThe doubting one by heartAlone without himself
War between him and the dayNeed someone to blameIn the end, little he can do aloneYou believe but what you seeYou receive but what you give
Reach for the hand held heart through lifeFor the dancer to arriveReach and catch me before I fall
Apart from the wandering packIn this brief flight of timeWe reach for the ones whoever dareYou believe but what you seeYou receive but what you give
Reach for the hand held heart through lifeFor the dancer to arriveReach and catch me before I fallReach for a friend whoever caresFor someone whoever dares
Reach to catch me when I fall
Reaching for the doubting one by heartHearing voices callingCatch the one who's falling
Reach for the hand held heart through lifeFor the dancer to arriveReach and catch me before I fallReach for a friend whoever caresFor someone whoever daresReach to catch me when I fall



Reach for a friend whoever cares


     For someone whoever dares

          Reach to catch me when I fall

                    Because I will fall. Because I am falling. Because I'm crashing hard. <3

Day 3 - Perks?

Just a really quick post; I actually woke up to the alarm on my phone today. I'm amazed. Have I finally caught up to all the sleep I was missing? I'm still yawning as I type this but who knows..
I slept terribly last night.
Continuous tossing AND turning.
I cannot sleep with the Tv on like I used to.
Oh well. Have a nice day everyone <3

Day 2 - pissed.

Fuck life. I'm fucking so angry. I don't have the strength to do anything. I want to go out but I'm so fucking tired. I want to see my friends but sleep. I feel sick and shit. I'm constantly hungry and eating and hungry and I eat. Nonstop today. I hate life right now. I can't accomplish anything. I'm a looser and I won't succeed at anything because I am so tired. Fuck life. I just want to disappear.

Day 2 - 2pm

Woke up at 1..
I'm starting to get nightmares, maybe from too much sleep?
But it's happened twice in a row now.
I know a few people I could get some adderal from.. It's probably not a good idea though.. Ugh I'm still exhausted! D:

Day 2 - Damn Sleepy

Damn I'm sleepy.
I went to bed after writing my last post so maybe 5-6pm?
My sister woke me up today so I drove her to school. 7:30am.
That's over 12 hours of sleep.
I'm still exhausted.
I'm going back to bed for sure.
School today is at 6pm.
I will probably wake up in time for that.
No, I'll probably wake up around 12 or so and then I will try to finish my english paper.
I have no time to do it right now, WAY TOOOO SLEEPPPYYY
Goodnight everyone <3

Day 1 - 5PM Sleepy night time yet? No..

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Day: 1

Stimulants: Around 600-800 mg Caffeine 

---

So driving to school was terrible. 

I took some caffeine pills, blasted my music, but I could still feel my eyes getting heavy the whole drive there. 

The funny thing, when I drink coffee I'm not as jittery/caffeinated but I stay awake better than just taking pills. 

As soon as I got home I started to fall asleep but I can't sleep right now. I need to stay awake so I will sleep at night. I have homework anyways.. 

For the first time in years I did some exercises and I felt more energetic. It makes sense.. but weird =/ 

I'm putting off doing homework. 

I'm writing this post instead of homework. 

I don't feel like I can do it.

It's all in my head. 

I'm sure I can do it. 

But sleep. 

It seems so much more inviting. 

Maybe I should play some guitar first? 

It's an exercise xD 

In a way. 

Btw I read the comments, Ephedra = Not safe.

I'll definitely be careful with it, no overdosing or getting high.

This is to help me. 

Day 1 - Ephedra

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Day: 1

No Stimulants So Far

---

I slept terribly, probably because I had the remains of vyvanse in me but yeah.

I took some melatonin before bed though and I feel like it helped. 

I woke up at 5:23, crazy early. It's because I slept for 14 hours yesterday but still, it gives me hope that I will be able to function well without vyvanse. 

I can literally feel my need for it right now but.. I don't have any. That's what is nice about it, I can't get it even if I wanted it. 

So Ephedra.. 

It kind of bothered me that besides caffeine there aren't any other legal stimulants. Legal meaning easy to get with no perscription. 

Google helped. I learned about a few but Ephedrine stuck out to me. 

From wikipedia

Anecdotal reports have suggested that ephedrine helps studying, thinking, or concentrating to a greater extent than caffeine.

I'm interested, so I bought a bottle off of amazon, maybe it can help me get my homework done easier while I'm out of the game. 

Well, it's 6:25am already and I can feel myself getting drowsy already.. Time for the morning cigarette and maybe snort/ingest some caffeine. 

Day 0 - The Rules

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Day: 0

Vyvanse: 100mg

---

I'm sorry to a lot of people.

• Around 7 months or so ago, I began taking vyvanse. 
• It's an amazing drug that lets me get work done. 
• After a few weeks of taking it I had a lot of work that I needed to do that day. 
• I took two.
• Ever since then I've been abusing my medication, buying more from other people, and destroying my life. 
• It wasn't that bad at first but then I got to the point that started around a week or two ago. 
• My tolerance had gotten to the point where I would need/take anywhere from 5-8 pills a day. 
• At 50mg (my current dosage) That is 250 - 400mg a day. 
• You shouldn't be prescribed more than 70mg ever. 
• I found that drinking would help me avoid the withdrawal effects of extreme exhaustion and I took that up for a while until I needed to be able to go to work.
• Then I began snorting ground up caffeine pills. 
• It really wasn't that bad except the drip. 
• Very bitter. 
• Then yesterday came.  
• I had done a lot of digging around on the internet and learned of a new way to get high that I had never tried.
• Robitussin.
• For some smart reason I thought I would have a high tolerance to it so I not only drank the whole bottle before work, I also took 20 of the liquid gel capsules. 
• An absolutely terrible idea. 
• Mix being shit-faced with a very bad trip and that's what I got. 
• I went to sleep around 11:30pm last night and didn't wake up until 2:03pm today only from my manager calling me.
• I had work at 2 and overslept. 

I just need to get back to controlling my life.
I feel bad because I will continue to have this extreme lack of motivation and exhaustion until my body can adjust.
I won't be able to see my friends at night or stay out late until I can get this fixed.
I'm sorry guys, I gotta take some time to stabilize my life.

Rules.

• Syd has my 25 pills left from this prescription. 
• She needs them until her's is filled, then she'll have about 5-10. 
• She will hold on to them and if I feel I can handle it I will get one from her each day. 
• I cannot have one if it is past 5pm no matter what, sleep is most important. 
• I cannot have more than one no matter what, one pill should always be enough.
• If I feel under control when my next prescription comes out then I will put 2-5 vyvanse in a bottle and keep that, Syd will refill it when I run out. 
• Sleep is absolutely important, that's why I cannot stay out late for now. 
• I need to eat right in hopes that it will give me energy that I need.

This journal is one way for me to track my progress and help motivate me.

I really need all the help I get because once tomorrow starts I don't know what will happen..

~Wish Me Luck~

-Prysm